


the fresh start

by toastandvegemite



Category: Australian Rules Football RPF
Genre: Geelong Cats, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-16 21:13:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11837160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toastandvegemite/pseuds/toastandvegemite
Summary: Paddy tries to fix something he broke.





	the fresh start

**Author's Note:**

> Look, this is trash and I really hope nobody who knows these people ever see this. It's pure crazy indulgent fiction.
> 
> This is the second past of a story that I never wrote the first part of. Basically they got together at the start of 2016 and then broke it off at the end of the season before the summer break.

There had been seven months at the start of this year where Paddy hadn't lied once. Not to his parents, his mates down at Moggs or to his wife. It had been an intense relief to once again be the good man he'd always thought himself to be, one that wasn't constantly making excuses and worrying about being caught in an untrue story. It was that clarity, that ability to wake up and not feel the tug of disappointed tinged with self-loathing in his stomach, that meant he didn't realise how much he'd given up until it was winter again and all his good intentions had faded from his head. 

He had never wanted to lie. He'd never planned to being someone who cheated on his wife and enjoyed it so much. He'd never planned to be so fucking in love that his heart didn't feel like it belonged in his chest anymore and every second when he wasn't with Joel felt wasted, empty, wrong.

Now he was standing outside Joel's house - looking suspicious, looking confused and feeling it too - and forcing his fingers not to reach for the handle. 

It was like falling back into an addiction, but Paddy also knew that this addiction had made him better, happier, braver. It had been perfect apart from the fact it was completely fucked up.

He hadn't come earlier in the year, not after that concussion where Joel didn't even recognise him, not after the cut to Joel's head where Paddy saw blood dripping behind his eyelids when he tried to sleep. He hadn't come after his son was born, hadn't dared even though he'd wanted to, he hadn't come after his suspension when the winter chill felt like it couldn't be shaken from his bones.

He'd resisted the searching, curious look in Joel's eyes at training. He hadn't lingered in the changeroom, even when everyone else had gone and they could have been alone. He hadn't even once driven past the dark apartment by the bay that Joel owned and had been their tiny, stolen piece of normality (or perhaps that was because he was scared to see that a light was on, that there was another man there in his place).

It was Paddy who had ended it. Joel hadn't fought him, had agreed with all of Paddy's logical and realistic points - they were risking too much, there could never be a future to it, they would hurt a lot of people. It wasn't worth it. Joel had nodded and those fucking bright eyes of his had said a lot of that his lips hadn't. Paddy hated that Joel had his back, even in this.

He was still standing outside Joel house and he should leave. He knew Joel was home, he would barely have been able to walk after the surgery and his car was in the driveway. Paddy wondered if Scott was with him (and there were still more feelings there, confused twinges of longing for family and a future that was impossible, and Paddy is so sick of his crazy crash of fucked up emotions).

"I'm meant to be staying on the couch, but I don't want the neighbours calling the cops about some weirdo hanging around in my garden."

Joel sounded amused. He was leaning over the fence, smiling at Paddy and fuck it. Paddy would burn it all down for him. He never thought he would be this man, who cheated and lied and loved to the point of madness, but he never did anything by halves. He never took the easy option.

"Need me to carry you back?" he replied jokingly, walking over and unlatching the gate to let himself in. He could see now that Joel was standing on one leg and leaning on the fence for support. 

"Don't need you off with a back injury," said Joel, but he let Paddy wrap an arm around his waist and help him limp back through the open back door.

There was NBA on the TV and the heater was going full blast, but the house seemed empty otherwise.

"No-one around?"

"Nah," shrugged Joel and he flopped back onto the couch.

It was the first time they'd been alone in months. Paddy felt every part of him was hyper aware, was drinking in Joel's eyes and voice and the slightly up bemused expression on his face.

"You come around for a reason?" Joel asked after a few long seconds of silence.

"I wanted to see you," said Paddy brazenly. "Is that okay?" He'd never been the type of guy that women got over easily, he knew that, but Joel was harder to read and if he... if someone else was... 

"Fuck man, you couldn't pick a day for this when I wasn't being cut up this morning and I'm not half stoned?" 

It wasn't really an answer, but Joel didn't look great and the cast of his foot was starkly obvious. Perhaps he was trying to spare Paddy the a real answer - what would he do if Joel didn't feel it, didn't care, didn't have this fire inside that refused to be put out?

"Should I go?" Paddy conceded. Joel shrugged and Paddy didn't move. There was silence again apart from the basketball on the TV and even this tense, bizarre moment was better than driving away. 

"Look," said Joel eventually. He'd sat up a little straighter and was using the voice that made him sound older than he was. "You said you didn't want to do it anymore and that's fine. I don't really know what you want here."

"I want you," replied Paddy. It was easy to say and so true he wanted to scream it. He wanted Joel with a ferocity that scared him.

"You had me," Joel pointed out. Paddy could see it now, the shift in his eyes, the insecurity that Paddy couldn't understand and wanted to shake out of him. Joel sometimes, not always and not ever obviously, showed a worrying inclination to think not much of himself.

"I'm going kinda mad without you." Paddy sat down on the couch. He could a hand on Joel's bare, uninjured ankle. The contact made them both tense slightly, eyes locked.

"You are mad," Joel pointed out. "And it's still a fucking terrible idea."

"I dunno, most of my ideas are pretty good," replied Paddy with the shadow of smirk and that was it. They were back, it was settled and Paddy had to resist simply climbing over and getting as close to him as possible. 

He contended himself grinning at Joel rolling his eyes and squeezing his ankle. There was plenty of time for everything now.


End file.
